Super 8 (Spoilers)

Watching Super 8 is like listening to a cover song. The original was great. The new version hits all the right notes and sounds the same, but something is missing. It feels...empty. And that's how I felt watching this movie. It's clear that J.J. Abrams (a guy whose work I mostly admire) is trying to do nothing more than recreate a Steven Spielberg movie from the 70s. It's kind of like E.T. meets The Goonies. It's like watching one of those fan made mash-ups on Youtube. You can appreciate that the makers love the source material, but theirs pales in comparison to the original to the point of being embarrassingly silly. And I came to this conclusion about 10 minutes into this thing. Then I realized there was still almost 2 hours left.
The main problem here is the characters. They have no personalities, just sort of things that happened to them. There's the kid who's mom died, the kid who pukes, and the kid who lights stuff on fire. These are not personality traits. Also, the kids have little impact on the story. It feels like the real movie is happening around them, but we don't see very much of it. By the end, I didn't care whether they lived or not.
This brings me to another point. When you don't show us the antagonist of the movie until the end, it better look damn spectacular. Or at least, we should have a sense of why we're afraid of it, like in Jaws. I think that's what they were going for with this, but here, it feels like a cheap gimmick. When we finally saw the alien thing, I laughed. It looked like a mash of really bad FX of aliens from other movies. This movie had so much hype surrounding it, I'm not really sure what would have sufficed, if anything.
This film is also so littered with cliches, it feels like it was written by a two year old. There's lines of dialogue like "I'm just trying really hard to save your life," and "You don't get it, do you?" Really. I feel dumber for having listened to you. Thanks. I realize they're kids, but even kids don't talk like that. Not to mention the numerous plot holes and flat out unbelievable situations that kept popping up. Sorry Abrams, but a truck won't derail a train. I'm also pretty sure that bikes and microwaves don't translate into "hull of a space ship."
I felt like this movie was a two hour attempt to manipulate me into liking it, based on my nostalgia for Speilberg's glory days. Sorry, guys, I'm not buying it. It's sad. I figured if anyone would like this movie, it'd be me. I love classic Spielberg like ET and Close Encounters and Raiders of the Lost Ark. This is none of those. It's a shell. A carbon copy at best. I don't think my opinion will matter, most will want to see it regardless. Just don't say I didn't warn you. I mean, God forbid we try something new instead of repackaging the classics. And while we're at, J.J., cool it with the lens flares. Jesus.